5 years in the past, I discovered myself in a espresso store in downtown Manhattan sitting throughout a desk from Morgan Spurlock, a person I’d by no means met and whom I knew solely because the creator of the hit documentary “Tremendous Dimension Me.” A colleague had introduced us collectively, pondering we’d be capable to forge a mutually useful relationship. As I instructed a pal within the lead-up to the assembly, “I feel I’m supposed to show Morgan Spurlock the best way to apologize.”
I used to be there as a result of I’m a feminist author who’d simply written a ebook that grappled with the post-#MeToo second and the way we’d discover a means ahead. Mr. Spurlock was nonetheless reeling from the self-inflicted wound of a confessional put up he revealed through the peak of #MeToo, one which acknowledged a protracted historical past of ugly conduct, together with a school period rape accusation, an incident of office sexual harassment, serial infidelity and a long time of alcoholism. Though he positioned his confession as taking accountability — “I’m a part of the issue,” he wrote, “however I’m additionally a part of the answer” — the put up tanked his profession, delayed the discharge of the sequel to “Tremendous Dimension Me” and prompted him to step down from his manufacturing firm.
Which was why we have been having espresso.
When the information broke final month that Mr. Spurlock had died from problems of most cancers, the arc of his life appeared completely settled: a one-hit marvel who’d squandered his success by attempting to get out forward of a possible P.R. scandal. On social media, quite a lot of folks derided him as a rapist who didn’t need to be mourned, a privileged white man who’d harm folks on the best way up and anticipated the slate to be cleaned simply because he admitted that he’d completed one thing mistaken.
I discover myself chafing at this abstract judgment. After that preliminary espresso, I stayed in contact with Mr. Spurlock, and ultimately we shaped a friendship, one stuffed with conversations about what it’d imply to be a greater particular person. Regardless of that relationship, I don’t think about him worthy of blanket forgiveness; I don’t even consider that he deserved a second likelihood on the highlight. However I can’t shake the sensation that almost seven years after #MeToo, we nonetheless haven’t discovered a means for males who need to make amends to take action meaningfully. There have been outstanding figures introduced down by #MeToo who’ve by no means requested for, or deserved, our sympathy. But when we as a society need to actually break the cycle of hurt, we have to supply a chance for forgiveness to those that are actually keen and keen to alter.
We are able to bear in mind Mr. Spurlock as a #MeToo casualty. Or we are able to take a look at him as a mannequin for the way folks may actually resist the hurt they’ve triggered — and the way the remainder of us can higher think about their efforts.
Mr. Spurlock’s preliminary public confession wasn’t polished or skilled; he admitted to me as soon as that he’d revealed it with out having proven it to anybody. However in its messy, unpolished kind, his outpouring struck me as real and sincere, uncooked and emotional and antithetical to the massaged injury management we’ve come to anticipate from different disgraced public figures. If Mr. Spurlock’s contribution to a bigger dialog about systemic sexual abuse appeared imperfect, to me it additionally mirrored what actual development can appear to be: a painful public reckoning that’s commensurate with the second.
I got here to see just a few different helpful components in his strategy. He acknowledged that intent and impression are two various things. Irrespective of how he might need felt about his intentions in any scenario, the expertise of the sufferer was paramount — a lesson he embraced over time. It felt to me like a necessary breakthrough, after so many different public denials and apologies from outstanding males that centered not on hurt triggered however on disputing claims, settling scores or salvaging reputations.
It’s sobering to me to appreciate in hindsight that if Mr. Spurlock had merely mentioned nothing, his status in all probability would have survived intact. Many celebrities touched by #MeToo scandals have since re-emerged comparatively unscathed due to a shifting political local weather, a steadfast refusal to be held to account or the inevitable cooling of the white-hot feelings that prevailed in that second. Nevertheless it appears mistaken to me that Mr. Spurlock — who I consider genuinely hoped to be taught from his actions — would have fared higher if he’d stayed silent. And it appears merciless {that a} man who tried to take possession of his actions completed so little past sabotaging his personal profession and public standing.
Once I acquired the information of his demise, I felt overwhelmed with tears. It wasn’t simply because a pal had died, leaving two sons with no father. It felt unfair to me that his journey to make reparations, which I knew he genuinely hoped to finish, had been minimize brief. Though he by no means discovered public absolution — actually, as a result of he by no means discovered it — I discovered from him that the trouble to turn into a greater particular person is all the time price enterprise and {that a} good-faith funding in understanding and addressing the wrongs you’ve dedicated ought to by no means be regretted. He wasn’t an ideal messenger for a feminist revolution or for systemic change. However he was somebody who tried.
That’s how I hope he might be remembered. And I hope when the subsequent folks attempt, we are able to begin to see their efforts with completely different, extra accepting eyes.
