Within the wake of Sandra Day O’Connor’s passing, I noticed a photograph of her with my father, Ronald Reagan, after he had nominated her to be the primary lady on the Supreme Court docket. They had been exterior on the grounds of the White Home, strolling facet by facet, smiling, clearly within the midst of a dialog. These had been two individuals who had been athletic, sturdy, pushed to make a distinction on this planet.
I discover it poignant to see them in that type, realizing, as we now do, that each would later be eroded by dementia. Each would make the uncommon option to go public with the information of their analysis. And each would die from problems of the illness, which at all times wins in the long run.
However earlier than any of that, the illness would come for Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband, John Jay O’Connor III.
The justice will lengthy be remembered for breaking the gender barrier on the Supreme Court docket, a courageous public victory that reverberated throughout the American judiciary, throughout the authorized career she needed to battle so onerous to hitch, throughout the nation’s workplaces. She additionally deserves credit score, nonetheless, for having damaged a second boundary: She spoke with uncommon candor about how Alzheimer’s illness performs out — with its heavy duty and sophisticated moral points — throughout the non-public confines of a wedding.
Sandra Day and John O’Connor met within the early Fifties when each had been college students at Stanford Regulation College. An appointment to work on a Regulation Assessment article collectively prolonged into a few beers, and shortly they’d gone on 40 dates in 40 days. John was charming and impressed by her mind. By the point he requested her to marry him, she had reportedly turned down three different proposals (together with one from William Rehnquist: “To be particular, Sandy, will you marry me this summer season?”). She accepted John’s, and so they had been wed in 1952.
She adopted him to Germany when he served within the Military; after they returned, they made their residence in Arizona, the place they raised three sons till her 1981 appointment required a transfer to Washington, D.C. “The primary 25 years,” she would later say, “he made the choices — the place we’d dwell, what job he would take, what he would do, what our life was going to be. And after I went on the court docket, I’m afraid I used to be making lots of these selections … It balanced out.”
When John acquired his analysis, in 1990, Justice O’Connor cared for him as greatest she might. “Within the early days of my husband’s sickness,” she later advised a Senate committee on growing older, “I typically took him to court docket with me as a result of he couldn’t be left alone.” She added, “Many caregivers make equally troublesome selections each day.” As she defined, “Alzheimer’s illness is a household illness.” In 2005, she introduced that she would resign to spend extra time together with her husband. However by the following yr, it grew to become clear that he wanted a unique type of care. The choice was made to position him in a facility.
My father had died two years earlier than, and through the decade of his sickness, I paid shut consideration to what different folks selected to share about Alzheimer’s. There was a notable silence about inserting a member of the family in a facility designed to supply secure, applicable care. I so admired Sandra Day O’Connor’s openness, and I imagined the hundreds of individuals in comparable conditions who felt gratitude that somebody was shining a lightweight on a dilemma that so many undergo via within the shadows.
In 2007, she went even additional, permitting her son Scott to reveal that John had fallen in love with a resident on the facility — and that he did so with the previous justice’s blessing. In an interview with KPNX-TV, a Phoenix station, Scott described how his mom would watch John and his new accomplice sitting on a bench collectively, clearly smitten with one another. “Mother was thrilled that Dad was relaxed and completely happy and cozy dwelling right here.” She continued to go to him, although he now not acknowledged her.
Individuals with Alzheimer’s lose connections, recollections turn out to be frayed threads, however the need for companionship runs deep — deeper than the illness. It’s pretty widespread for sufferers to develop new romantic, even sexual, relationships. Nevertheless it’s one thing that few folks really feel comfy speaking about.
A decade later, she spoke once more about dementia. This time, it was her personal. She did as my father had, writing a letter to “Mates and Fellow People.” In it, she stated, “Whereas the ultimate chapter of my life with dementia could also be making an attempt, nothing has diminished my gratitude and deep appreciation for the numerous blessings in my life.” It was her final public assertion.
An individual’s legacy isn’t all concerning the grand sweep of historical past; typically it’s about quiet decisions that contact the lives of others. We’ll by no means understand how many individuals had been affected by Sandra Day O’Connor’s candor, how many individuals she impressed to let their very own husband or spouse discover a totally different type of happiness than they as soon as would have envisioned. She selected to face firmly in love and happiness for the person she spent so a few years with. That, too, deserves to be remembered.
Patti Davis is the creator, most lately, of “Floating within the Deep Finish: How Caregivers Can See Past Alzheimer’s.”
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